So my presence has been very sparse for several moths with me responding to things here and there if the mood struck or just to get out of my head.

For several months I was my mother's care taker, she was sick, in and out of the hospital, and we were having a hell of a time figuring out why.

She's been having issues with her back for a while and she had stomach issues as well. She was the sort of person to brush off her symptoms as acid reflux, her medication, or allergies.

In February I had a mental breakdown because along with losing my grandma cat who was sick and was requiring const and care, my mother was in the hospital. I was running back and forth to the hospital and vets, my level of guilt was incredible and my anxiety was extreme.

With so much going on I had to take an emergency leave of absence to take care of my mother and my mental health. I was in a low place when I had to put my cat down, even the reassurances of the vet couldn't stop the ugly crying and the pain.

But I also had to take care of my mother in this time as well and she was fresh out of the hospital.

In taking a leave of absence however I needed paperwork from my mother's primary care provider. I had no idea that my mother had not been to see her primary care provider since 2017 so they dropped her. All this time she's just been seeing a pulmonary specialist.

So for 6+ years she hasn't been getting proper check ups on everything else, blood work, panels, mammograms, etc.

Fortunately my job lets me get away with the paperwork from the hospital visit and I get that sorted out, but then I go on a mission to get my mother a primary care specialist.

Well she goes over all of the paperwork that the ER sends her and the hospital sends her and she sees some concerning things. Things I found concerning when I looked at as well which is why I was quick to find primary care after reading the documentation.

Three things that stood out to me were perforated colon and liver lesions and possible metastasis. She also had compression fractures. It was a puzzle that was coming together, her GI issues had nothing to do with indigestion or acid reflux or her medicine.

Her physician had a laundry list of things my mother needed to do, but my mother is both stubborn and possibly suffering from anxiety was explicit that she needed a month's advance notice to get all of the scans and see all of the specialists her care provider was telling her she should see.

She would have a break down if I tried to schedule more than 1 appointment per month and I get it, it took her time to get ready, she was in pain, but her doctor told her she was slowing down any treatment. Still she dug her heels in and I could not make her do anything, and I did not want to distress her despite my own distress for her.

Then she ended up in the hospital again for back pain, she had surgery for one of the compressions and was released prematurely a few days later. My mother being stubborn, again wanted to try and get out of the car on her own and walk, but immediately fell in the drive.

I flew into a panic, but I ran to her and used every ounce of strength I had to get her off of the grass and concrete. I'm 100lbs soaking wet, but it's amazing what you can do with enough adrenaline and proper lifting practices.

I got her in the house and in bed as soon as I could and while I was trying to take care of things she got herself out of bed and was trying to change into her pajamas and she fell again. Twice right after surgery. I was angry at the hospital because this felt so damned premature.

Again I had to remove myself from work because I did not trust going to work and leaving my mother. I slept little, with the lights on, and my insomnia was raging because I didn't want to miss it if she tried to get up in the middle of the night.

A few days go by and she is not eating well, she's in pain, she's having trouble moving and I call my sister to get her ass over immediately. She comes over and we are preparing to take my mother to the hospital, this was an all day event, mostly mother mother did not want and ambulance and was determined to get up and get ready.

She wanted to do so on her own terms, but every time she would get up she'd lay back down. It finally got to the point where we said you have an hour and then we will have to call the ambulance. That is what we ended up having to do because there wasn't going to be a painless way to transport her and this was already a 6 hour process.

Fast forward through so many events, procedures, hospital changes, and rehab we learn that my mother has a specific kind of cancer called neuroendocrine cancer and with the neuroendocrine cancer she had an infection caused by her perforated colon leading to 3 types of bacteria leaking into her system.

The cancer itself was stage 4.

They had to grow the bacteria in her body in a lab to figure out what it was so they could hit her with the right antibiotic, and they figured it out, but her body just wasn't responding.

Her body just could not fight the cancer and the bacteria infection at the same time making it impossible for her to get strong enough for any sort of cancer treatment. You have to be able to eat, drink, move on your own.

In a matter of months, weeks, days her mobility was stripped to nothing, nutritional intake was awful, even her ability to speak and form words had disappeared. It was frustrating for her, painful for her, and the indignity was hurtful for someone who prized their dignity.

So we made a choice, my sisters and I to bring her home after several months of being in a hospital and rehab facility. She wanted to be home, she hallucinated about home and that's what we did at home hospice care. We were told at this point she had days left, perhaps weeks so we had to mover quickly.

I got rolling, I got all of the information from the hospital about every single hospice facility in the DFW area, did my research because I only wanted the absolute best no matter what, and chose as quickly and decisively as I could.

I chose St. Gabriel's Hospice and my sister's supported the choice and less than a day later we had everything we needed and they expedited my mother's return home. I can't be grateful enough to them they were quick, they were caring, they were informative, and they were there.

My mom came home 10:00 am October 19th. Mostly we let her rest, we were there for company, played her the Beatles, held her hand, and my middle sister (who is a nurse) gave her anti-anxiety treatment and eventually administered morphine.

October 20th at 11:41 am my mother passed away.

I was at work and my sister called me, I dropped everything and left immediately, I work 5 minutes away so it was no time at all before I was there. My mother did not exhibit any of the signs of passing away that we were told to expect, there was no death rattle, it was peaceful.

She was present for the first nurse of the day to come in, give her a bath, wash her hair, take care of all of her hygienic needs. That is something I'm grateful for they were so good to her.

It was when my sisters were turning to prevent bed sores that they noticed she was no longer breathing and the nurse showed up at this very same time. I came home just as the nurse was calling her time of passing. we had to call my oldest sister and brother-in-law.

It was an incredibly hard day for everyone especially since we had to make so many choices in such a short space of time about postmortem care and cremation arrangement in accordance with my mother's wishes. Much of that was also on me as her primary care giver, while my oldest sister had the clerical duties.

We all had difficult duties, my eldest sister as executor of the will and estate had the duties associated with that, my middle sister with her nursing background had the tremendous weight of making medical choices during my mother's last days (the hardest job), and as her primary care giver I was the point of contact--

--and the decision maker when it ultimately came to her care.

The hardest thing you will ever do is watch a loved one deteriorate from an illness. My father passed away in 2011 and it was hard and painful, but it was different from the soul crushing experience of watching your loved one diminish from a debilitating and aggressive illness. My father passed from heart failure--

--it was fast and he didn't suffer. My mother suffered so it really, truly hit me in a different way.

If you made it this far then this is the part where I say that these series of events are why I haven't been around. I'm still physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I haven't had time to process my own grief especially since I had to go back to work a week later.

They give you three days for bereavement. I added a week of vacation time. I think it's truly horse shit that you get three days to mourn and process the grief over someone you have known your entire life, the extra week was hardly a consolation bonus.

It wasn't a time to relax or process either, it was a time get everything arranged for her cremation, get her estate in order, and in accordance with her will divide everything equally.

It turns out my mother is an organize hoarder lol.

My oldest sister was jokingly going through my mothers things and she would say "damn mumsy, you didn't leave us any surprise puzzles or random cash stuffed in the mattresses." She copes with light humor, my middle sister copes with dark humor, and I coast along.

It's taking us weeks to clear though her belongings, we found paperwork dating all the way back to the 80s. The gods damned 80s.

We also found money, or a check for $5,000 issued to me in 2020 that somehow I never knew about and I'm currently investigating. To be clear we had permission and trust to go through each other's mail and she probably opened it, set it aside somewhere and it just ended up in her paperwork pile.

When was like that. I found checks for her and gift cards she never redeemed, it doesn't surprise me that she could misplace a $5,000 check and forget about it. Her short term memory was a little hazy in the last few years even though her long term memory was sharp.

Some other unexpected things happened as well, we were able to find old information about friends that my mother had during the late 70s early 80s and we were able to find these friends. They live close to my middle sister and we plan to visit them. My mom was one of the individuals best friend she'd ever had.

I want so much to talk to her just to know a mom I never knew, in spite of all of the stories I have from my mother, I want to know what she was like through the eyes of a best friend.

So today is Thanksgiving and my middle sister has been texting me all day worried about me because I'm choosing to spend it by myself. I have my older sister who is an hour away and she's harping on why I'm not going to spend the day with family.

I hate to say it, but it's a tad bit annoying, especially since she's making me question my state of mind a bit, calling it weird. I understand my state of mind and I repeatedly had to reassure her that I am okay, but I don't think she believes it even though my word should be enough.

I talked to my older sister who did extend the invitation, no pressure, gas money included because I'm on a tight budget, but I just don't want to "celebrate."

I'm sad, I'm going to be sad regardless, but I don't think my middle sister realizes that Thanksgiving has never been a big day for me. When I worked in retail it was a day I had to spend working so I either had to leave after eating or eat leftovers while everyone had done whatever one considers festive on the day.

When it got to a point where I did have every holiday off and I had the whole day with family it was the stress of cooking, getting ready, going, eating, and spending the rest of the time napping, gaming, or reading anyway. Not socializing.

Why? Because I come from a family of social smokers who are at their heaviest smoking, dragon's lair level smoking, when they are together. I can tolerate it for 2 seconds, before I have to leave.

Exposure to smoke as a child means I get ill if I am exposed too long. So I am doing low key Thanksgiving pretty much doing what I would have been doing anyway and I saw my family yesterday, I will see them again this weekend.

My oldest sister isn't questioning me, she just asked me if she should be concerned. I said no. She said are you doing what you want to do. i said yes. She said that was enough for her.

My boss also questioned me being alone on Thanksgiving a few times as well.

I don't think I'm weird, I'm certainly not having any spiraling mental issues, and this is the most chill I have been in such a long time.

I guess people put a huge emphasis on social pressures during the holidays and after he passing of a loved one the pressure tends to escalate.

After my father passed away and I was exposed to social pressure I just remember getting drunk as a skunk and sick in a bathroom. I'm an introvert who hasn't had time to process or relax. I just want to play video games, snuggle my cats, watch movies, drink cocoa, and not have to worry about social graces.

Is it weird? I won't say no to outside perspective.

I also needed to write this out, not where family or friends could see it, I don't want anyone to think I'm having a meltdown. I just need catharsis. To ramble. To write without expectation.

If you read all of this you are a champion. I'm going to play videogames now and drink that cocoa.

Drink that damn cocoa dude. You've earned it

There's nothing quite like going through something this awful and you're entitled to take time for yourself. You need it. You have injuries to heal

First, I'm so sorry that you've been through all this. I can't imagine how difficult it is. Second, I don't think it's weird to spend a holiday alone no matter the circumstances. Sometimes you just want to have a quiet holiday to relax with your best friends (pets) and recharge. Enjoy your cocoa and gaming, friend.

Thank you. By the time I even got around to thinking cooking anything I was just like fuck it. Oatmeal, smoothing, cocoa and then back to chill. I think this is the most stress free Thanksgiving I've ever had. I like the holidays, I don't like the mess and the pressure to cook a bunch of food I'm going to have to eat for days.

My mom was the Christmas queen, she claimed the holiday and she wouldn't let anyone else impose on it. She told me that Halloween was my thing and Christmas was hers lol.

I loved the way she enjoyed it, but I also hated the way it stressed her out and literally watched her put herself in the hole some years to make the holiday special. Getting the most amazing foods and buying the best presents.

All I want is chill.

smoothing? Smoothies.

Smoothies.

Definitely not weird to want to chill with some peace and quiet for yourself, people process things in different ways and that's more than okay. And I'm so sorry to hear all of this. Being kind to yourself sounds like the best plan for the right now and there's no rush for it to be anything else.There is no timeline for grief

I'm so so sorry this has all happened. I also apologize for getting to this so late, I haven't really been around much either. But you've been through a lot and how you want to spend your time is your choice and not at all weird.

lots of love for you