Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain - Martin Mull

I told my doctor I can't stop my hands from shaking. He asked if I drink a lot. I told him of course not, most of it spills

The birthday was an important one - oops! Thank you Alzheimers!

Don't change urinals midstream

A gang member was holding his baby when the baby said "mother". The guy yells to his wife, "Our son just said half a word!"

Contractor Cleavage = Politically correct term for "Plumber's Butt"

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them - Rita Rudner

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? - George Carlin