FB vs. reality -

Speak well of your enemies. After all, you made them

It seems wrong to shoot your wife and not get her a present

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

Mail your packages early so you can lose them in time for Christmas

A man is known by the company he merges

We wouldn't have to ponder whether it was half-full or half-empty if you'd just fill the glass already

for "gamers"

Middle Earth sitcom idea: Two Men and a Halfling.