I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once

Trust God, but lock your car

My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary

Perk of old age: There is nothing left to learn the hard way

I may not understand what those protesters want, but I will fight to the death for their right to get tear gassed

Funny how you never see any professional whittlers

Say no to drugs, that will bring down the prices

I read somewhere that thirty-seven is too old to still live with your parents. It was on a note, In my room

Blondes may have more fun but brunettes remember it the next day

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plan your revenge