I have a lot more complex thoughts about how I feel about video games right now even though I'm working on them, and wanting to make stuff so that I can look back later to see what I've done, and to say things on my mind now that I need to say. I just want to be able to do it "the right way", at a minimum level of quality.

but... as someone who has drawn and illustrated over the course of almost 21 years, to feel like I'm inadequate is... heavy. it's not a good feeling, even if I'm multifaceted. it continually feels as though I don't know enough about any of the things I enjoy. it feels like I have to cut all the other things I love out of my life just to make one thing work.

but I didn't really get to pursue music, and I really do love so many things. fashion design, computers, consumer electronics, video games, music, animation, comics, film, commercials and branding, motion design (even though I know very little about working with it). I know a decent amount about all of those things and they all inform each other in my mind.

during that time I still had a desire to create and have an audience, and I found making music when I was 15 or so. I saw the porter Robinson secret sky concert in 2020 or 2021 and kinda felt something. I was really wanting to pursue making something, and using music as an outlet really sounded appealing. watching key the metal idol struck a chord too.

not to sound like someone wallowing in self pity, but I was also in a dark place since my self worth was hinged on my artistic ability, my identity as an artist. without it, and being trapped at my childhood home without money or a job for long stretches of time, I felt hollow. and art did not bring me joy.